| Hmm.. |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|08:13 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
I seriously have nothing to say.
Thanksgiving was just boring.
I'm doing the same thing today as I was doing yesterday and have been doing for the past couple of years. That being nothing, just to clarify. No, it's not so bad. No, I'm not complaining. No, I'm not looking for someone to show me the way out. I'm not looking for anything.
I know I kind of disappeared for a couple months. I just didn't feel like getting online, but now that I'm back... er... hey.
I was just thinking today... isn't it a little absurd that people all think they have to do the same thing? My mom was right about the things she told me a couple years ago. She said that if my life changed tomorrow and I had a job, no matter how successful I'd miss this time I have now where I can just be myself. She's right, I really would miss this time. It kind of scares me though. I'm getting older. I'll be twenty-two this year. How much longer am I going to be able to live the way that I do? People can't seem to understand that I love being with my family. My mom and my sister are my best friends. I live with my best friends, and I don't want that to change. But how long can I keep out the expectations of a programmed world? Why would I want to live on my own? Away from the people who love me, and the people I love?
Maybe the reason people feel like they have to get away is because they don't have the relationships that I have with mine. I'd be content to stay with my family forever, and I don't think I've ever feared change in my entire life. I used to feel like change was an adventure, but that was more like 'change of scenery'. The thought of being away from my family makes me feel like someone died, and in a way I think that someone would be me.
I used to want to go so far away, California, or something like that. I've grown so attatched to my life now though, and so accustomed to things just being so uncomplicated. I don't know what I want in my future anymore. The only thing I know for sure that I want is to be with my family.
Before people brand me with attatchment issues, it isn't about that. I just don't ever want to lose what I have here.
I guess that's all I have to say for now. It was more than I wanted to anyway. |
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| Nothing else to say. |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|02:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Romantic Piano- Chopin | ] |
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Cheyenna
2. Chey
3. Chay
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. xenaphd
2. princessAvara
3. sly_the_monkey
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my intelligence
2. my imagination
3. my passion and love for people
THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I'm short.
2. I don't look my age.
3. I have sort of low self-esteem.
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Native American
2. Scottish
3. Dutch
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Not having a place to go.
2. Getting a phone call from hospitals or cops.
3. Pink notices taped to the front door.
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. food
2. water
3. clothes
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. jeans
2. sweatshirt
3. underwear
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS RIGHT NOW:
1. Sonata Arctica
2. Within Temptation
3. Nightwish
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan by Nightwish
2. Clair de Lune by Debussy
3. Beautiful by Marillion
THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. applying for college
2. taking piano lessons
3. selling art online
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP, BESIDES LOVE:
1. sincerity
2. kindness
3. adventure
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I can carry a tune.
2. I'm a good dancer.
3. I have good taste.
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (OR SAME) SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. occassional good manners
2. shyness
3. modesty
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. drink
2. be around smoke
3. *ahem* dance..
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. writing
2. acting
3. playing the piano
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. go shopping
2. be warm, it's freezing in here
3. go to an amusement park
THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING:
1. psychologist
2. artist
3. composer
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. France
2. Ireland
3. New Zealand
THREE KIDS NAMES:
1. Evangelina
2. Avalon
3. Julius
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. adopt a child
2. help a family out of poverty
3. change someone's life for the better |
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| Arghh... |
[Sep. 15th, 2005|11:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | An Affair to Remember- Emile Pandolfi | ] |
Yesterday I bought a 44.5 oz bucket of individually wrapped sour punch twists... 225 count individually wrapped asorted flavors... because I rock. *drool*... yummy... But just to let you know, sour punch twists and pixie stix are not the ideal breakfast. Not only will your tongue be a strange color... but you will be bouncing off the walls. If the walls are not padded this could lead to injury of the soft tissue. :D
Ahh... can I just say I love everyone? :)
I guess I'm in an extra good mood today or something. I kind of feel like running around and yelling... I'd love to be in an arcade right now playing some of those skateboarding or motorcycling types of games. Those are cool.
In spite of my obvious hyper thoughts I'm being nice and composed. Must be because I'm listening to classical music.
I feel like I'm excited about something, but I don't know what. I wish there was something great for me to get excited about. My mind is everywhere today.
I've been watching my Lois and Clark and my Dark Angel dvds. Why do all the cool shows get taken off the air? Agh! And then they get run on Nick at Nite, haha... j/k!
I did buy some art supplies fairly recently. I made some beautiful pictures of the female form, and ballet dancers. Must make more! Must sell some art!
Played my piano today. She's so out of tune, but I love her anyway. I need to get back to the days when I played til my arms were sore. Those were the days my friend... we thought they'd never end... we'd sing and dance forever and a day, we'd live the life we choose... we'd fight and never lose, we were young and sure to have our way.
A million hugs to everyone. I'm going to go out for lunch and have some much appreciated laughs.
~late~ |
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| Ho ho ho to you too. |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|07:44 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Skunk Anansie- Hedonism | ] |
I swear... if you're a strong woman you're automatically a lesbian and if you're a sensitive man you're automatically gay. If you're Christian you're automatically a judgemental freak, if you listen to certain music you're a certain type of person... how far can this crap go before the world just freaking figures me out by the length of my eyelashes?
Can things be right and wrong at the same time or is there no middle ground?
I feel like I'm the sand the ocean pulled away too soon, and I'm caught in a whirlpool, indefinitely descending to the bottom of the sea. I can see it in front of my eyes, but I can't seem to reach it because it isn't time yet. So I'm stuck in this fragment of time where nothing exists besides myself, my mind, and the whirlpool... just spinning around me.
I'm left to wonder what I am, already knowing who I am. I know myself, and I know my mind. I still don't know what I am, and until I do know what I am I can't be a part of society. You have to think more outside of the box to understand what I am saying. I know I'm a woman, I know my sexual preference, this isn't about that. It's about turning who you are... somehow... into 'what' you are. Since labels are unavoidable.
Sometimes when I go out... anywhere at all... I feel so much lower than other people. I know I'm very intelligent, and I'm pretty, but for some reason that all amounts to nothing when other people are around. I feel like I'm being judged, all the time. I'm so used to hiding from everything, and guarding everything that leaving is about as liberating as being tarred and feathered.
I keep thinking that things will be different when I'm older... when I'm recognized for my age. I'm 21 years old, but people make me feel all of twelve even though in my mind I'm probably pushing forty or fifty. I want to be older, and it's funny that for the most part it's for the cosmetic reason of wanting to 'look' older. I feel disrespected, and that makes me angry. Well, angry in my own way, which is more of an uneasy irritation.
I want to put on a suit, carry a brief case and be taken seriously for once, dammit.
Goodnight... dammit.
Oh yeah... by the way, sooooo funny, go here- Ebaum's World and check out the Dr. Phil sound boards. I played with those things for hours, it's freaking hilarious!
Here's a clip I made from Dr. Phil. |
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| And so I say... |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|07:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | FFX- Forever Love | ] |
Golden Dust
They don't know me
Those carolers of happy
Those singers of joy
They don't see me
Nor does the world
Underneath my blistered feet
For how long have I walked this way
The path behind me is overgrown with grief
For how long have I not had a breath
People walk past and the air escapes me
They don't want me
My words are strange
And my voice is weak
They don't hear me
Those bringers of chaos
Those liars and cheats
For how long have I felt this way
The tears fall down with every dusk
For how long can I carry on
As just a shadow among the piles
Among the piles of golden dust
I'd rather not explain into detail the meaning behind this piece. It's just the way I feel inside, myself vs. the world.
It's a free-flowing piece. I'm used to rhyming, but this just felt right at the time and it all came out very fast.
I've also been experimenting with crayons lately. I guess it's pretty surprising what you can get with a little boredom and a box of crayola. People underestimate what a true artist is, I think. Art isn't about expensive paint and canvas, it's about what you can create out of nothing.
God's greatest and dearest gift is imagination. For what is closer to God than creation?
 |
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| It's been a while. |
[Aug. 9th, 2005|10:04 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nightwish- Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan | ] |
[x] The Basics... [x]
What's your name? ::: Cheyenna
Birthplace ::: Kentucky
Age ::: 21
Age you act ::: I've been told 30.
Current location ::: Indiana
Eye color ::: green
Hair color ::: black or dark brown depending on who's looking.
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? ::: right
Zodiac sign? ::: capricorn
Height? ::: 5'2"
[x] Describe... [x]
Your hair ::: Very long and straight, and plain I suppose.
Your fears ::: Being nothing and nobody to everyone and myself all at once.
Your personality in 3 words ::: sarcastic, witty, friendly
[x] Do you... [x]
Smoke ::: never even tried it
Drink ::: never liked it
Cuss ::: ehehe... yeah
Sing well ::: I can carry a tune
Sing in the shower/tub ::: sometimes
Talk to yourself a lot ::: never
Believe in yourself ::: sometimes yes, sometimes no
Play an instrument ::: piano
Think you're a health freak? ::: Well, I'm not healthy perse... but I know I could be a health freak if I cared.
Get along with your parents ::: Mother, yes, father, depends on his polarity :D
Get along with your siblings? ::: Oh sure...
Think you're popular ::: Hayell no!
[x] In the past month have you... [x]
Gotten drunk ::: Nope, never have.
Eaten an entire bag of oreos ::: Nope.
Been on stage ::: No...
Gone skinny dipping ::: Negatory...
Been dumped ::: No.
Dyed your hair ::: Nopers.
Stolen anything ::: Nah...
[x] The Last... [x]
Last time you cried ::: Erm... for serious? I cry sometimes when I play the piano. I'm so freaking emotional.
Last word said ::: I don't know. I haven't said anything since I woke up, and it's been three hours, so I'll have to think of yesterday... it was probably something like "I'm sleepy"
Last curse word said ::: dammit
Last time you laughed ::: This morning, while I was writing. I always laugh at the cleverness of me.
Last phone call ::: My brother two days ago.
Last song you listened to ::: Sonata Arctica- Tallulah
Last annoyance ::: dust, allergies
Last weird encounter ::: I saw one of my high school friends at McDonald's. It was weird not seeing him for four years.
Last person you made out with ::: How embarrassing... it's been too long for me to answer that.
Last person you hugged ::: My mom I think.
Last person you yelled at ::: I don't know. I've been so calm lately. Probably my mom again though.
Last time you wore a skirt ::: Gosh... erm... not since never. High school maybe?
Last time you've been evil ::: I'm never evil. I fight for truth, justice, and my own way.
Last time you fought with your parents ::: That's practically daily. Little fights of course. Very healthy, I'm sure.
Last time you wished upon a star ::: I don't think I ever have.
Last time you played Truth or Dare ::: Someone tried to play truth or dare with me online, but I couldn't do the dare, haha.. so that was a couple of months ago.
Last time you spent quality time alone ::: I'm alone right now, and I can tell you this time is oh so high quality.
[x] Relationships..[x]
Gender preference ::: do I have to like someone?... ugh... I'm straight.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ::: no
How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had since junior high? ::: Like... two.
Do you have a crush? ::: No.
Are you in love with someone? ::: No.
Best qualities about the opposite sex? ::: *sigh* It depends upon the person. Personally I haven't met very many guys with even one good quality.
Worst? ::: Again, it depends on the person, but from my experience ego is just a horrendous thing.
Do you ever want to get married? ::: I don't think so, unless I just have like several short marriages later in my life. It sounds terrible, I'm sure. I have issues. :) I just want to be wealthy and older.
Do you ever want to have children? ::: I do actually, but *shhh* don't tell anyone. I'd rather adopt than anything else though.
[x] This or that... [x]
Pepsi or Coke ::: coke
McDonald's or Wendy's ::: Now? They both suck pretty much.
Chocolate or vanilla ::: Chocolate!
Black or white ::: White
Red or blue ::: Red
Rock or pop ::: Rock
Comedy or drama ::: Dramedy
[x] What is/are... [x]
A movie that makes you cry ::: The Patriot, not with Steven Segal, with Mel Gibson. That movie is very sad.
A movie that makes you laugh ::: Napoleon Dynamite
Your worst habits ::: biting my fingernails, I guess, and not finishing things, the list goes on
Your best habits ::: I don't know if I have good habits, I'm a terrible person, haha... no, I wonderful, really.
You phobias ::: loud noises, spiders, needles, germs, people
[x] Top five Bands/singers... [x]
First ::: Nightwish
Second ::: Within Temptation
Third ::: Libera
Fourth ::: Tori Amos
Fifth ::: Sonata Arctica
[x] Top five songs... [x]
First ::: Siren by Nightwish
Second ::: Stay With Me by Libera
Third ::: Our Farewell by Within Temptation
Fourth ::: Kissing in the Rain by Tori Amos
Fifth ::: Tallulah by Sonata Arctica
[x] Favorites... [x]
Music genre ::: symphonic metal
Cartoon ::: That one musical episode of Daria.
Food ::: berries
Thing to do ::: act
Person to talk to ::: my sister
Subject in school ::: art, I guess, I was relaxed in there
Parent ::: mom
Color, and why ::: I don't know anymore.
Book ::: Rose by Martin Cruz Smith... a very special book to me.
Candy ::: Anything sour... Sour Punch Straws I guess, and Warheads.
[x] Other stuff... [x]
[i know] ::: more than you ;)
[i want] ::: a grand piano.
[i have] ::: a sore shoulder.
[i wish] ::: I could finish a book.
[i hate] ::: when people are mad at me.
[i miss] ::: my brother xoxoxoxox :)
[i hear] ::: footsteps
[i love] ::: everyone!! Wheeeeee!!!
[i ache] ::: nah, I'm fine.
[i care] ::: too much maybe.
[i always] ::: go too far.
[i dance] ::: horribly, haha... it's great though.
[i cry] ::: only when I'm alone.
[i do not always] ::: joke around.
[i write] ::: constantly and very well I've been told.
[i confuse] ::: other people a lot.
[i can usually be found] ::: sitting right here.
[i need] ::: to have more confidence.
[favorite place to be kissed?] ::: Well that's a little personal, you cheeky devil, you...
[wimp] ::: Not at all.
[clique member] ::: I'm afraid I'm not cool enough.
[daydreamer] ::: You betcha.
[freak] ::: No, not like you, :P |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|05:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
 Tell me you think it's good and I'll give you a million dollars... er... a hug.
What would be a piece of art without a piece of words? Or... what would a piece of art be... that's what I meant.
Empire Built on a Dream
I need my last dying days
To sort out the blood
Of my dying castle
To drown in the flood
Who wants to be queen of this
Dark and lonely fortress
My crown feels so heavy now
As I take my last regal bow
The grace of a dying queen
Of an empire built on a dream
Crumbling walls
Are all that remains
Of beauty once standing
Now a heap of grains
Ashes to dust
And everything's gone
A queen lies broken
Just a lovely pawn
Yes, a lovely pawn
All is gone to the grain
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| Me and the Infamous Dreamscape |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|02:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Siren by Nightwish | ] |
Why do people find it so difficult to get to know me? I'm no mystery, they just can't seem to look deep enough. It's difficult to find a friend who can offer understanding. Not understanding of problems, since most people who have them have created them for themselves, or otherwise put themselves into a bad situation. I'm talking about understanding for the way a person is. Personalities clash, yes and no. Anyone can get along with another person, they simply have to condition themselves to that person's way. Of course, that isn't the best idea, since you're giving up a little piece of yourself everytime you do that. So if you are yourself, with no restrictions, there are bound to be personality clashes.
It's my own fault I don't have a lot of friends. I simply don't like most people. No, I'm not an angst-ridden teenager, and I never was. I just find most people to be ridiculously ignorant. The worst part of me thinking that way is that I can't hide it when I talk to someone. They can automatically tell I think they're stupid, even when I'm trying to be civil.
So much for that, I've accepted it. Most things don't bother me or make me angry, but when I feel I'm being lied to, or that my intelligence is being insulted I can only warn people now, watch out. I find that people think I am cold when they first meet me. I am a forward person, and sometimes people can take my words as being rude. I guess brutally honest is the proper term. I hadn't planned on delving into my own mind today, but since there is no one else's to disect, why not my own?
I am smart, but I'm not a scholar. I know about people. I'm insightful and perceptive. That's probably why I stay away from people. That sounds like an issue to some people. To me, it makes sense. I don't like knowing a lot of people because they have expectations, they want you to be there, they want your time. I'm not a selfish person, except when it comes to my time. It's the most precious thing a human can share, and I prefer to share time only with people who I deem worthy.
To be deemed worthy of my time you must be someone I need. To be someone I need... I haven't needed anyone yet, except for the people I have.
In my life I'm scared of a great many things, but I hide that well enough. There are my crazy phobias... popping balloons, biscuit cans, loud noises... and then there are the stranger ones. Why does everyone want to fall in love?
It's like... putting yourself into the most vulnerable position. And how do you let another person be good enough to have you? How do people give up their time to another person?
I hate being alone. That is a simple fact that I will easily admit. For some reason being alone is the most stuck feeling you can get, because once it hits you, getting back out of it is just impossible.
Every reason and state of mind that someone has can be traced back to an event in their lives. I wonder what happened in the lives of the stupid people? Maybe nothing.
I find myself hiding when I am being complimented. It's not that I can't take a compliment, on the contrary. I'm just so suddenly aware of being observed. It's different when I'm playing for attention, then compliments are expected, otherwise I am off-guard.
I have the most well-guarded emotions. Some people think of that as a very good thing. It makes a person strong, or so it seems to. Constantly guarding emotions is really a terrible thing, because you never learn how to deal with them. So... if I find myself in a situation, such as a person dying, I am nothing but raw emotions, emotions that I'm not used to handling, and can't control. When I cry I'm not able to stop. When I'm upset, it seems like my entire immune system shuts down. I get sick everytime.
At least there are a few less tragic things that can bring emotion to me. I'm very emotional when it comes to music. Classical, of course.
When people hear me talk this way they think I must be an unhappy person, when in fact, I'm content. I've learned to be content by adapting to everything.
I make bold statements, that much is true. I hate conflicts though. Testing theories and ideas on other people is something I do regularly, but when they want to argue... forget it. I hate arguing. It's ridiculous and it wastes time. I accept that people have their own opinions about everything, but it seems like it's hard for other people to accept my opinions. Obviously something I shouldn't care about, but it is irritating. I mean... seriously, this one girl argued with me for three days over pens and pencils because I said that pencil gives more definition than pen. That's the sort of thing that makes me tired, and then I have to recluse again. I don't know if I used that word correctly. Oh well, I'm going to get back to working on my newest story. It's a little lame compared to some others, but light-hearted is fun sometimes. Until next time,
~Chey |
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